finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
