I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
