if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Did we literally take a cab across the street
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
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