1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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