woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
