sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
