Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
We are all done wearing pants today
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
