Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
