I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
