I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
