Your mouth is God's brothel.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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