fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
