Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
