walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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