You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
