When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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