There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
If I die, sorry about rent.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
