peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
