the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
