How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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