I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
