My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Green mimosas i think yes
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
