so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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