You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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