Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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