He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Are my feet made of real feet?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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