Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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