Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I need a beard to bite.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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