Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Two words: blizzard sex
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize