When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
