I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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