Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
