All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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