so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
it glows. i had to have it.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
