Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
