oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
