you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
