I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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