Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
