Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
