I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
foreskin is a definite game changer
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
