dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
