I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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