I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
