Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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