He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
