i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
