The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
