So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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