I think i peed on brittanys purse
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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