I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
