I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
