laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
