In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
