Already got asked if we're dating
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
