Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
